i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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