I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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