I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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