Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
