My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i've created a new STD.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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