Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
