stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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