I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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