the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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