Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
