She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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