This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
