it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
