i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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