theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
