my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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