I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
