Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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