it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
