I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
