My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
