Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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