That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
