either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
