my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
