Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
