I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
