I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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