I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
