I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize