When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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