I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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