I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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