ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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