how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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