Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
