I checked into jail on foursquare
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
