youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
