I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize