im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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