i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
