I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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