Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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