im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
