I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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