WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
