I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
you had me at cake vodka
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
