My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Can't talk, ducks in the car
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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