Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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