His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
