Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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