don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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