I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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