arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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