the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
