do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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