I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
ok first of all what the fuck
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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