It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
