have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
